Tis' the season to stop and reflect on the things in your life you are grateful for. This seems like the perfect exercise for me as I sit in my hospital bed (day three of hospital visit number two) trying to cook these twins a bit longer. So here it goes:
I am thankful for:
The cerclage surgery I had at 21 weeks. Those two stitches seem to be the only things holding my precious 29 week 6 day old babies in at this point. Technology is truly amazing. And thank you to the first woman to ever experiment with this procedure. Boy was she brave.
A mother-in-law who dropped everything to fly out and watch Charlie over the next couple of days so Rick could work. A father-in-law and sister-in-law who are understanding of her leaving even if it could mean missing out on a home cooked Thanksgiving meal. (But I really hope it won't!!)
Parents who will do anything to support me and make me smile. A mother who will drive out here at a moment's notice and stay for weeks on end. (She's coming Sunday!) And a father who will near starve to death from her being gone:-) Grill a steak Dad.
A husband who takes it all on as life as we know it changes in a split second. One moment you're planning a relaxing Sunday and looking forward to watching the Broncos game, and the next you're juggling a wife in the hospital, a son who began potty training 5 days prior (best.timing.ever.) and a work schedule that gets it's busiest during the holidays.
Friends who will drop everything to be there to watch your son even when they have a newborn plus their own two year old to boot as well as their own family in town and holiday to prepare for.
Nurses who take the time to talk to you because they can sense you're feeling down. I had two particularly great ones last night who sat down and for 20 minutes just let me talk about things. It had been a particularly emotional day and that felt really good.
A resilient son who enters my hospital room each day with a big smile on his face and shouts, "Hello mom!" Best moment of every day. His snuggles bring such joy and help remind me why this is all worth it.
Wine. I haven't had any yet. But I think about it a lot and am grateful for it's existence. It's a small gift I can't wait to give myself when this is all over!
Our health. I recognize it is easy to get caught up in the "woe is me" of this situation. And don't for a second think I haven't. Yesterday I did a lot of "woeing". But today is a new day and I am reminded that I have two healthy babies growing inside me, a healthy family at home, as well as healthy extended family and friends. "This too shall pass," as they say. I'm looking forward to this all being a distant memory, but for now feel grateful that we are healthy.
Christmas. Or for now the Christmas spirit. Nothing brightens a mood more than Christmas movies, songs, cookies, decorations, etc. I look forward to getting out of here (hopefully Wednesday) and decorating the house with my mom. (Or really watching her decorate is more realistic.) And while the imminent arrival of twins during the holidays brings on a host of added stress, I am still thankful that the greatest gift of all, life, could be given to us during such a beautiful season.
Ambien. Between random sirens going off, nurses providing meds at all hours of the night, and the thousands of thoughts racing through my head, ambien has been a life saver.
Books. It's always nice to be able to escape from reality and enter the vivid, complicated life of a fictional character, if for only awhile.
Steroid shots. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I'd be saying I was thankful for shots, but in this case I am. Steroid shots allow the lungs of our twins to develop faster in the event of an early delivery. Again, so thankful for advancements in medicine.
The passage of time. Sounds strange but every new day is one day farther along in this whole process. While I often try to remind myself to live in the moment, these days I'm just thankful that time continues on it's merry way. Tomorrow I will be 30 weeks and that's a great milestone. 32 would be even better. Keep moving time!
I know I'm forgetting a million and one things I should be grateful for, but this is a good start. Off to learn about medical grade breast pumps, then it's time for my first pool therapy session. No, there will be no photo documentation of me in the pool. Some things are best left undocumented.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
My Own Best Advocate
Yesterday I became acutely aware of the speed at which your emotions can swing from one extreme to another. Wednesday was a hellish day full of fear, pain, and unknowns but it also happened so fast I had little time to digest any of it. I was in a fog. Then came Thursday. After minimal sleep I woke up feeling lonely, overwhelmed and full of fear. It dawned on me that this is the most time I'd had in a room alone since before Charlie had been born. Sure the first couple of hours of reading were great, but that was quickly followed by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. This was also on the heels of missing out on trick or treating with Charlie and his buddies. Rick did a great job of face timing me and taking pictures, but it obviously wasn't the same. That night I did my best to compartmentalize those feelings ie block it out. But morning came and those feelings came storming in with a vengeance.
My OB came in early that Thursday morning and as if on a whim asked, "So do you want to go home today?" What?? Yes, of course I did but I had just been told by the perinatologist the day before that I'd be in the hospital for at least a week and we'd recheck my cervix and go from there. Now my OB wanted me to make a decision to go home based on what? I needed Rick there to listen and help make these decisions, but unfortunately he wasn't there. I fumbled with my words, hoping I'd made sense to her. She seemed to flit about the room as if unaware of what I regarded to be the severity of my situation. "Alright, well we'll just wait until Monday then." She left. I was alone again in my hospital bed so confused as to what had just happened. Wasn't it her job to consult with the specialist and provide me a recommendation for care? I spent the rest of the morning in tears over my role in all of this. I realized then and there that I'd have to be my own best advocate which felt difficult without being an expert in pre term labor. I immediately texted a friend who I knew would provide me some answers.
Ivory, the mom of the two little girls I nannied for the past year is all too familiar with hospital bed rest. She delivered her first daughter Emma at 28 weeks. I started rattling off questions via text. Her responses immediately calmed me down and also gave me an inner strength I knew I'd been missing. She suggested getting in contact with the specialist and reviewing the plan. Why hadn't I thought of that? She also reminded me to stay away from the tuna salad at lunch. She's invaluable! I took her advice and finally summoned the courage to talk to a nurse about my feelings. (Why I felt nervous about this I don't really know.) But she was great and gave me the down and dirty on my OB...let's just say she doesn't seem to be easy to work with and isn't a nurse favorite. But she promised she'd talk to the specialist and try to get him in here to see me. I was immediately relieved. A couple hours later in walked the doctor. He sat down and we chatted. We determined the best course of action was to wait it out at the hospital through the weekend, then get an ultrasound on Monday to check my cervix. If that all came back stable he was comfortable sending me home with restrictions.
It's now Saturday and I'm feeling much more emotionally stable:-) I'm trying not to look much past Monday. We'll see what the ultrasound brings. Charlie is coming to visit me this afternoon and I can't wait. He's the light of my life. I know the twins will shine just as bright when they finally arrive.
Here's a pic from Halloween. Charlie was too busy checking out his loot to look up. I was so happy he got to go trick or treat with his pals Lucy and Morrison!
My OB came in early that Thursday morning and as if on a whim asked, "So do you want to go home today?" What?? Yes, of course I did but I had just been told by the perinatologist the day before that I'd be in the hospital for at least a week and we'd recheck my cervix and go from there. Now my OB wanted me to make a decision to go home based on what? I needed Rick there to listen and help make these decisions, but unfortunately he wasn't there. I fumbled with my words, hoping I'd made sense to her. She seemed to flit about the room as if unaware of what I regarded to be the severity of my situation. "Alright, well we'll just wait until Monday then." She left. I was alone again in my hospital bed so confused as to what had just happened. Wasn't it her job to consult with the specialist and provide me a recommendation for care? I spent the rest of the morning in tears over my role in all of this. I realized then and there that I'd have to be my own best advocate which felt difficult without being an expert in pre term labor. I immediately texted a friend who I knew would provide me some answers.
Ivory, the mom of the two little girls I nannied for the past year is all too familiar with hospital bed rest. She delivered her first daughter Emma at 28 weeks. I started rattling off questions via text. Her responses immediately calmed me down and also gave me an inner strength I knew I'd been missing. She suggested getting in contact with the specialist and reviewing the plan. Why hadn't I thought of that? She also reminded me to stay away from the tuna salad at lunch. She's invaluable! I took her advice and finally summoned the courage to talk to a nurse about my feelings. (Why I felt nervous about this I don't really know.) But she was great and gave me the down and dirty on my OB...let's just say she doesn't seem to be easy to work with and isn't a nurse favorite. But she promised she'd talk to the specialist and try to get him in here to see me. I was immediately relieved. A couple hours later in walked the doctor. He sat down and we chatted. We determined the best course of action was to wait it out at the hospital through the weekend, then get an ultrasound on Monday to check my cervix. If that all came back stable he was comfortable sending me home with restrictions.
It's now Saturday and I'm feeling much more emotionally stable:-) I'm trying not to look much past Monday. We'll see what the ultrasound brings. Charlie is coming to visit me this afternoon and I can't wait. He's the light of my life. I know the twins will shine just as bright when they finally arrive.
Here's a pic from Halloween. Charlie was too busy checking out his loot to look up. I was so happy he got to go trick or treat with his pals Lucy and Morrison!
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