All You Need Is Love

I woke up feeling more like myself than I have in the past couple of weeks.  Hurray!  And what better way to celebrate, than by attending Dirk and Bree's wedding!  The ceremony took place at the Botanical Gardens, followed by a fabulous reception at their house.  I thought I'd post a few of the pics.

These fans doubled as sun blockers- sort of

Love this shot of Dirk high-fiving Bree's Dad!

After NINE years...they're married!

Love the Mason jars filled with key limes

Great idea for "place cards" and cheap-they found all the rocks in their front yard!

This picture does not do justice to the size of their backyard.  Not pictured is the garage that's been converted into Dirk's man room, complete with a bathroom.  I've never seen so many jealous men:-)

At one point, early into the reception, all of the twinkle lights went out.  Luckily, there was still quite a bit of daylight.  There was some understandable stress from the groom because, aside from the candles on the tables, these lights would be the only ones providing light for the entire reception!  Dirk feared we would all be eating in the dark.  I instantly wondered how the bride was faring after hearing about the blown fuze.  In classic Bree style, complete with her infectious smile, she confidently stated, "Who needs lights?  I'm married!!!"  That's the spirit!  Shortly thereafter, the groomsmen came to the rescue and the lights came back on before sunset.  Moral of the story:  ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE:-)

Lucky 39

39: A random channel on the television, a temperature a bit warmer than freezing, a famous pier in San Francisco, and the number of eggs they collected from me yesterday!  Even the nurse did a double take when she overheard the number.  "Did I hear that right? Did that girl really have 39 eggs?"  Someone please call the Guinness Book of World Records! Take a picture!  It's no wonder I've felt like a giant hot air balloon for the past few days.  39 eggs!!!  For frame of reference, the average, healthy woman my age has around 16-18 eggs for retrieval.  Let that sink in for a moment.  Based on that number the Dr. said it was a good move to go ahead and postpone the transfer until October.  The likelihood of hyperstimulation after this procedure is pretty high, so better safe than sorry!

The surgery process overall went well.  Rick and I spent a lot of time laughing beforehand about how we should probably get to know the other patients on the floor.  With our luck, the doctors will end up fertilizing Rick's sperm with some random woman's eggs.  It would be nice to say hello and wish her well!  Rick also thought it was hilarious to closely monitor my heart rate via the monitor I was hooked up to.  He quickly realized that every time a doctor or nurse walked in the room, my heart rate sped up, then immediately fell upon their exit.  He spent the next 30 minutes giving me my heart rate play by play. HILARIOUS RICHARD.  The procedure only lasted 20 minutes and an hour and a half later I was awake and ready for some food.

Rick brought me home and had to shoot off to work for a big meeting he couldn't miss, so my amazing Aunt Becky came over to take care of me.  Here are some flowers she brought me from her beautiful garden.

She also spent the afternoon making me chicken noodle soup.  It was delicious!! Thank you Aunt Becky!

We just got some great news involving our embryos.  The lab just called and of the 39 eggs, 31 were mature.  Of those 31, they successfully completed ICSI to produce 27 embryos!!  SUCCESS!  ICSI is a process where they inject one sperm into each egg as opposed to letting the sperm figure it out themselves.  We're done letting things "work out on their own" so bring on the ICSI!  Now they culture them and hope that many will survive to become blastocytes.  By Monday or Tuesday the survivors will be frozen.  We're very relieved we have so many at this point.  Seeing as though we don't plan on becoming the Dugger family in this lifetime, we won't need all 27.  So things are looking up!

Thanks to everyone for their love and support.  Family and friends mean the world to us!

Plan G

Throughout this infertility experience I've found myself repeatedly planning out my next steps, only to have that plan laugh in my face and run frantically for the hills.  I've tried to chase after my plans, foolishly thinking I could wrangle them to the ground and force them into submission.  Silly me, the best laid plans are also the best known escape artists.  You'd think I would have learned after plans A, B, C, D, E, and F took off in the middle of the night, without even so much as a goodbye note!  But NO!  I made plan G.  I thought plan G was great, even though it was seventh in line.  The plan was, complete this round of invitro.  Get my eggs retrieved at some point this week and three to five days later have two embryos implanted.  A week or so after that, find out I'm pregnant and live happily ever after with my insanely expensive infant and amazing husband. The end.  Reminds you of a Disney movie, doesn't it?!  However, as you can imagine, this plan went terribly, terribly wrong.

Yesterday, I was told that I will not be able to do a fresh transfer of the embryos.  Long story short, due to my polycystic ovaries, in combination with all of the stim drugs, my estrogen levels have become dangerously high.  It is too risky to transfer the embryos because my doctor is fairly sure that after the retrieval I'm going to be quite sick.  I've come to understand that this sickness includes a build up of fluid in a cavity surrounding my ovaries where fluid is not supposed to be.  It will make me nauseous and very bloated (think a few months pregnant-just what you want to look like when you're so far from actually being that very thing.)  They expect that with an increase in my salt intake combined with staying really well hydrated, that my estrogen level will drop within a few days and I will feel better.  I wish the extra salt intake could solve my emotional woes as well.

This process is anything but easy.  I feel a little bit like I've been hit by a train or better yet plans A-G just came rushing back, punched me in the gut, and took off with the minimal amount of sanity I had left.  In short, I'm overwhelmed.  Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I will get through retrieval and not have to repeat the process-that is an experience I do not wish upon anyone.  But I'm exhausted at the thought of having to wait until the end of October to complete my frozen embryo transfer.  This will involve more injections, more drugs, more days off work, and but of course, more money.  I know mine isn't the only story like this out there.  In fact, I've read many that are far worse.  They go on and on for many years.  But the ones that I've read tend to have the Disney happy ending.  The couple goes through hell and back, complete with the battle wounds to prove it, but it was all worth it because they end up with a beautiful child that shares their own DNA.  I think my sadness stems from the unknown.  Is all of this going to be worth it?  Will I get my happy ending?  Will we have a child of our own?  I do not know.  I do know that I'm not ready to give up.  I have to have faith that this is all happening for a reason.  I'm sad and angry, and if you tell me my shirt is ugly I'll probably break down in tears.  But I'm also strong- willed and stubborn and I don't give up that easily.  Take that plan G!

A few of my recent shots

Rick and I recently went to the Denver Botanical Gardens.  It was a gorgeous day and I snapped a few shots.  Enjoy!

This flower was so interesting. I tried to add contrast by editing it on the computer.  

Sometimes black and white is just better :-)

I like the whimsical feel of this photo.

I love how this flower pops due to it's blurred background.

Same flower after I played with the editing features in iphoto.

I Should Start Writing This Stuff Down

My dad has recommended for years that I combine all of the stories I've collected while teaching and write a book.  While, I'm not ready to take on that venture, I did start to like the idea of blogging about the antics of the five-year-olds I teach.  And while those stories are hilarious (think kid pooping on the floor of the bathroom on the first day of school) I knew those stories could not sustain a blog.  So then I thought about what else encompasses my life, and unfortunately that answer is infertility.  As much as I wish this chapter of my life didn't exist, it does.  It exists with a ferocity that is at times so overwhelming and all consuming that I'm not sure where to go or what to do for help.  I have a feeling I'm not the only one out there, and felt like blogging about this experience would definitely help me, and possibly provide insight for others in a similar situation.  And finally, I'd like to include my  relatively new found photography hobby in this blog.  When I feel like I've taken a great picture or two, I'll post them, easy enough!

Bear with me...I haven't written anything outside of a text message or email in years.  The thought of trying to "write well" is a little daunting.  So I'm bagging that plan and just diving into the purpose behind this whole idea.  I need a release!  For many reasons, I feel like a blog may be right up my alley.  Who knows, this could be a disaster, or it could be like free therapy...