Round two of this crazy roller coaster ride of pregnancy is in full swing! I am excited and terrified at the same time. IVF was a whole other animal this time around. In many ways it was much easier because I knew what to expect. I knew how to inject myself on a daily basis without shedding a tear. I knew how to apply four estrogen patches a day and how the residue, once you remove them, will stick to your skin for days. I wasn't shocked when my showers got 10% longer as I begrudgingly scrubbed my stomach raw to rid myself of the "stick". And then there were the progesterone suppositories. I think I would rather inject myself with progesterone daily than deal with the thrice daily process of inserting progesterone only to feel it ooze out of my body throughout the day. TMI I know! Such is the glamorous life of an IVF patient.
Here's what I wasn't prepared for...the mental toll it would take as I struggled to make such a conscious decision to bring another life into this world. The first time around you think infertility is the only battle. You know nothing about sleep deprivation, blistered nipples, toddler temper tantrums, or that you were about to forgo the ability to pee by yourself. Ever. Again. We now you're well aware of what is to come. And your mind starts to pump the brakes as you think about what this is all going to be like with a newborn. Only this time you still have that pesky two-year-old who needs to be fed and entertained regularly...It took me a lot longer (an extra three months) to come to terms with all of it. But I did. Hurray! I probably should have blogged about it long ago. Clarity would have come a lot faster I'm sure. But sometimes you have to do things the hard way:-) And sometimes that toddler and my job just got in the way of finding time to sit down and find the clarity!
Fast forward five weeks and three days after my frozen embryo transfer and here we are, pregnant. I am thrilled about it. The hard work paid of, hip hip horray! Except, that I'm bleeding and cramping and kind of a mess. The first episode happened before I even had my first HCG blood test. I thought for sure it meant a big fat fail, but somehow it didn't. I got a positive HCG test and then another positive test 48 hours later. That was scary, but we chalked it up to implantation bleeding and moved on...then it happened again, only worse. I'll leave out the details in case my dad reads this (you're welcome) but it was enough of a scare to send us to the doctor the next day for an ultrasound. Longest. ultrasound.of.my.life. At one point the ultrasound tech thought I had an ectopic pregnancy and mentioned how her last patient had to go straight to the emergency room to get her fallopian tube removed. Awesome. Turns it it was a cyst. Sigh. She did see one in tact gestational sac and then there's this other "thing" I'll call it. It's so early, she was unable to really tell if it's a second sac or not. But it is also where the bleeding is coming from...oh joy. She wasn't sure if the possible sac is bleeding, if the whole thing is just blood, or if there is a sac but blood around it/behind it. I left that ultrasound feeling a mix of emotions. I am elated that there is a gestational sac in tact and viable (at least so far). I am distraught and sad for what may be a second that seems to be in distress or no longer viable. Everyone keeps telling me, "At least there's one good one in there!" And that sounds like they're telling me I should be OK that one of my kids is dying. I know that's dramatic. Cue the mini violin. It isn't actually a kid yada yada yada. But it feels like my baby and it feels like my baby is dying and there's nothing I can do about it. And no one has to see the blood in the toilet every time I go to the bathroom. And no one has to be reminded about how something is probably wrong as you're having a conversation and suddenly feel a trickle. I have very supportive family and friends and an amazing husband and an adorable child to distract me, but this is still a lonely place. At this point all I can do is wait, pray and know that in the end, it is out of my hands. I never wanted twins. But now that I'm a mom, waiting to find out how these two embryos are doing is agonizing. I don't know how to express in words how it feels except to say they are my babies and I need them to be OK.
It is constantly amazing to me how consuming maternal feelings can be. As I wrap this up my son Charlie is waking from his nap. I'm listening to the sounds of the kids giggling and splashing in the pool in front of our house. It sounds like vacation. Happiness. I want nothing more than to take Charlie over there and splash around for hours. That's not in the cards for me today (unless wearing a pad in my swimsuit has suddenly become socially acceptable:-) So today I'll settle for watching Charlie and his dad splash around. Hopefully things will return to "normal" soon and I'll be better than new. Until then...
